Tuesday, September 11

wrestling whys

When I sit down in the mornings and write, I typically don't think about who may be reading. Perhaps it isn't thought about because blogs are such a hit and miss kind of thing. There may be regular readers or there may be people who bump your site from a word search never to return. Therefore, I don't write for a particular audience. I just write. It comes from wherever I am at the moment and has no general theme. It could be daily life or it could be ponderings. But my hope is that it is real.

Perhaps it is too real at times. A dear friend called me after reading my blog today. She was concerned and wanted to make sure I was okay. After I assured her I was fine, my wrestling thoughts were shared and understood because her heart aches in the same way over many of the same people.

No, I'm not wrestling with God over something that has come into my life, but rather many lives swirling around me. The big C. Cancer. I've never liked it when the kids have said they hate something, but the reality is I hate cancer. Big time. I've watched my mom struggle with it as it hit two different areas of her body and I've watched my inlaws each with their own cancer battles. And it seems like so many people around me are struggling with it at the moment. A 38 year old mom buried today after the abrupt return of brain cancer. Another mom around the same age began chemotherapy on Monday for an aggressive breast cancer. An older mom/grandma who is a dear AWANA helper for me lying in the hospital this week after major surgery for cancer which has affected her female organs. A friend's mother buried a couple weeks ago after the return of her cancer. My daughter-in-law's mom currently undergoing radiation for the next part of her fight against breast cancer. Another couple where the wife was given no more options for fighting her cancer. Every time I turn around at the moment there's someone new. And I hate it. I hate cancer.

And I ask God why? WHY? These are believers who love the Lord. WHY? Who have a testimony to share about Jesus with the world. WHY? Who have young families. WHY? Who are grandmothers loving the delights of their hearts - their grandchildren - and are filled with wisdom. WHY? Who are actively serving in ministry. WHY?

Yes, I could give you all the Biblical answers of WHY. My head knows it. No need to remind me. I trust God's plan and purpose even in this. But my heart. My heart hasn't caught up. And sometimes it yells while I pound the pavement. But mostly it aches. And it weeps. And it still asks why......

Tammy ~@~

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